here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
there was a trapeze. enough said
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
