I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize