Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
