I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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