Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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