My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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