please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
