dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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