He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
