Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
