Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
