Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
