Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
