I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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