Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This is classic penis vs brain.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
