My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
