When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
