I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize