The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Sext me about skeletons
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
