these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
