He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
