I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
