I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
