I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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