My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
