fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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