You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize