he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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