While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
