I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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