Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
