you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize