You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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