i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
