so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
