i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
