He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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