stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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