Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
