If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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