Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Acid is not a monday night drug
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
