She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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