I only kidnapped one of them. chill
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
