I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
