That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Blood and glitter go together right?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
