Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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