Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
