I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
