while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
