I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
