I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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