i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
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