Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
