in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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