I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
