dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
