I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
