i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
